We had so many wonderful dates and daily contact for so long -- and then the move into the practice here in Atlanta fell through. There was a problem with the intended partnership. He then accepted a teaching position at a medical school in KY and opened a private practice too.
During the years our relationship was never to be defined. Talk of marriage carried throughout - up to our last conversation a few weeks before his death, as did talk of my running his office, moving in, and of growing old together. Always with a layer of fog over it. Never defined. He expressed constant loneliness and desire, but without action on his part to ever change it.
We became after a while just as we had begun, together through writing and the phone. Many promised meetings with his family, all canceled by him at the last minute. All attempts to unmask him failed. He continued to insist to the end that he was always completely truthful and that I was at fault for doubting him.
When, between Xmas and New Year's, I received an email from his daughter telling me that he had suddenly died from a massive stroke ---- it hit me like a lightening bolt. It was not only a terrible shock, but it was also the profound loss of him from my life. The grief was overwhelming for the first couple of days, as the void seemed to take so much of my spirit from me.
We became after a while just as we had begun, together through writing and the phone. Many promised meetings with his family, all canceled by him at the last minute. All attempts to unmask him failed. He continued to insist to the end that he was always completely truthful and that I was at fault for doubting him.
When, between Xmas and New Year's, I received an email from his daughter telling me that he had suddenly died from a massive stroke ---- it hit me like a lightening bolt. It was not only a terrible shock, but it was also the profound loss of him from my life. The grief was overwhelming for the first couple of days, as the void seemed to take so much of my spirit from me.
The second shock came then, upon seeing his obituary online, for it mentioned his 'fiance', who of course, was not me.
Now, the faith that was part of our relationship, was also lost. No satisfaction came from the triumph of my instincts, over his professions of transparency and honesty.
So I say goodbye to my Lone Ranger --- the man who rode into town - wearing a mask of disguise, keeping the 'real Michael' hidden to the end from me. And in the end, the sense of loss broadened to the whole experience of meeting someone --- for how do we ever know anyone?
And still, I miss him.
And still, I miss him.
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