Life Imploding

Not being alone in having one's life unravel, doesn't make it any better.

One doesn't have to read anything into the daily news reports to realize that life has certainly gone to hell - very quickly. Up to 2000 -- we were doing pretty well. Balanced budgets, mostly behaving weather, NY city still intact. The worst thing that some idiot fringe had to complain about was our leaders' inability to control his libido. Life, in general - was normal.

Now, we can barely remember what normal was.

Although I can write several books length on how we got here -- right now, I am so mired in it, I am just trying to survive. Something that I wouldn't place any bets on, by the way.
Suffice it to say  that never -- in my wildest bad trip nightmares of my life -- could I have envisioned that this would be the state of affairs, for me -- or the rest of us, now - or anytime within my lifetime.

The economy -- truly verging on full depression. Politics -- insane. Reality and truth are meaningless. Winning at any cost is the game. Looting is the norm. Profits are all that's important. Food additives, chemicals in the environment, fast food diet --- whatever the cause -- people have become intelligence-challenged. They'll believe truly ANYTHING, as long as the 'right' people are saying it. Mob mentality vs rational logic.

We have thousands of people willing to blow themselves up to earn points in an afterlife.

Here I am -- almost sixty years old -- with $.27 to my name -- twenty-something thousand in debt -- and owning two houses, both now worth $40,000 less than what I paid for them. Unemployed -- out of unemployment benefits -- uninsured, and have been for two years now, so over two years of no health care, no dental care. Thirteen year old vehicle that  needs repairs for more than what it's worth. But, not important -- for I don't have the money for gas or to renew the registration anyway.

The perfect storm of life.

My life is a microcosym of the world at large.

What's anyone to do?

Unmasked... but forever, unknown

We had so many wonderful dates and daily contact for so long -- and then the move into the practice here in Atlanta fell through. There was a problem with the intended partnership. He then accepted a teaching position at a medical school in KY and opened a private practice too.

During the years our relationship was never to be defined. Talk of marriage carried throughout - up to our last conversation a few weeks before his death, as did talk of my running his office, moving in, and of growing old together. Always with a layer of fog over it. Never defined.  He expressed constant loneliness and desire, but without action on his part to ever change it.

We became after a while just as we had begun, together through writing and the phone. Many promised meetings with his family, all canceled by him at the last minute. All attempts to unmask him failed. He continued to insist to the end that he was always completely truthful and that I was at fault for doubting him.

When, between Xmas and New Year's, I received an email from his daughter telling me that he had suddenly died from a massive stroke ----  it hit me like a lightening bolt. It was not only a terrible shock, but it was also the profound loss of him from my life. The grief was overwhelming for the first couple of days, as the void seemed to take so much of my spirit from me.

The second shock came then, upon seeing his obituary online, for it mentioned his 'fiance', who of course, was not me. 

Now, the faith that was part of our relationship, was also lost. No satisfaction came from the triumph of my instincts, over his professions of transparency and honesty.

So I say goodbye to my Lone Ranger --- the man who rode into town - wearing a mask of disguise, keeping the 'real Michael' hidden to the end from me. And in the end, the sense of loss broadened to the whole experience of meeting someone --- for how do we ever know anyone?

And still, I miss him.

Death of The Lone Ranger

How sad that the first mention of my Lone Ranger is to speak of his loss.

He arrived into my life over thirteen years ago -- the result of my early attempts at online dating. Match.com provided the portal through which Michael first contacted me. It was a simple two line intro -- he was a physician, relocating to Atlanta.... 

I didn't believe him. Let me confess now that I entered into the online dating process not trusting the process to be an easy intro to someone perfect for me. I expected that there would be men out there who would misrepresent aspects of themselves and their lives, to gain entrance to a woman's life. I was on guard -- especially for the dreaded 'married men' and 'players'.

We began a writing relationship. He was a prolific writer -- which matched my style well. After maybe a month of correspondence -- he asked if I would meet with him for dinner when he came to Atlanta that weekend. I agreed and we met at The Outback. 

A large, 6'4" man with tousled hair falling over his forehead, gold rim glasses and wearing jeans and a flannel shirt, sat across from me. We had a very relaxed, nice evening. 

I left there thinking what a nice guy he was -- attractive -- and convinced that he was a construction worker just trying to impress with representing himself as a doctor. When we next spoke on the phone - I told him that it didn't matter what his 'real' profession was, I liked him. He chuckled.

Michael handwrote three to four page letters to me - several times a week! He called every day -- and he came to Atlanta a couple of times a month. THE most romantic dinners of my life, were with him. His wit --- his incredible ability to tell a story (Tuscan cooking school story was my favorite - as he conjured up visions of Lina Wertmuller's  "Seven Beauties" movie, with him being Giancarlo Gianinni.) -- all added to his attractiveness. But his best quality was always his love for his family. 

His three children from his first marriage were his world. His love for his deceased mother, who had died only a few years before - of cancer - and his protectiveness over his father and many brothers and sisters, showed a huge heart. 


Despite the fairy tale elements --- there was no fairy tale ending.

First Words

How apropos to begin at the beginning of a new year. Not that I believe that there is any real significance to that marking of time - except that coincidence has brought me here tonight.

And perhaps that best describes the flow of my sojourn through this life, for I go where it takes me. A sailboat upon the sea of life. Attempting to set a course toward a destination, only to be blown from it by an unexpected wind. Some of hurricane force, others of a more subtle, yet equally persuasive push toward a new direction, new port and adventure.

In the early days of this life, I objected to these course changes, trying to maintain the all-important 'goals', one is taught that are important to set. Now, I don't give it another thought.